


Old friend, remember me.

by lost_strayer



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec is my poor precious baby, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending-ish (let's say it's perspective), Bittersweet, Character Death, Complete, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Izzy is a good sister, Izzy owns a coffee shop, Jace is a good brother, M/M, Memory Loss, PTSD, Protective Jace, married Malec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-10-31 10:16:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10897260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_strayer/pseuds/lost_strayer
Summary: "Who's that?" Raphael asked.Even though the man couldn't be older than 30, he already had a few strands of grey in his thick, messy hair. He had a beard, which was as dark as his hair should had been, thick and long enough to hide the beginning of the deep scar that adorned his skin along the left side of his throat. But the most outstanding feature of him, were his eyes.A beautiful color hiding behind a blank and sad curtain of dullness."Oh...that's Alec."OrRaphael lost his memory. 10 years after his accident he can't help but notice this tall sad looking man, who keeps drawing the same face in his sketchbook. A face of a boy with shining cat-like eyes, Raphael sees almost every night in his dreams.A bittersweet story about love and lost, family and infinite friendship.





	Old friend, remember me.

**Author's Note:**

> This story got inspired from an episode of Dr. House.  
> It is rather bittersweet, but there is a Happy ending (-ish)  
> I'm just kidding, my babies will be happy!
> 
> There will be mentions of suiciadal thoughts/attemp and mention of rape. But nothing graphic!  
> And there is a scene with Jace, you shouldn't do in real life when you don't have the skills. Just let's pretend Jace has them.
> 
> Ps. Cursive = the past  
> Print = the present
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. Enjoy!

_Take this.", Magnus smiled as he took off the necklace around his neck and held it towards the dark haired boy in front of him._

_It was a warm summer evening. The sky a shallow orange as the sun peeked over the hills._

_Raphael noticed that illuminated in the final lights of sunset, Magnus' unique eye color shone brighter than usual._

_He gaped at the taller man. He knew how sacred that necklace was for his friend. The last thing that anchored him to his home in Indonesia._  
_"Wha-, no this is yours. I ca-", he stammered._  
_"Keep it. I dont need it anymore." Magnus cut in. His voice firm but still gentle. " It will protect you."_  
_Hesitantly Raphael stretched his hand out and carefully caresses the token. It was a beautiful wooden tusk pendant, hanging on a beads adorned chain._

 _Slowly he met his friend's gaze. "You're sure?" he asked._  
_Magnus smirked, "Why wouldn't I be?", he retorted. He put his necklace into Raphael's palm and closed his own hands around it. "Also," Magnus grinned, "that way, you will never forget about me. Your magnificent, brilliant and of course utterly gorgeous best friend."_  
_Raphael let out a tearful laugh, "You know, I will always remember you." He gave their intertwined hands a gentle squeeze._  
_"Thank you!",Raphael whispered._  
_Magnus just pulled the smaller man into a hug and Raphael slung his arms around him tightly. "Promise me you won't look for me. I have to do this on my own." Raphael said softly and tightened his hold on Magnus. "But we will see each other again someday. I know it."_

_The taller man smiled then and held Raphael tightly to his chest, "My friend. I promise.", he whispered in his ear and let the smaller man go._

_Raphael watched as Magnus' face fades and turns into the shining headlights of a truck, racing towards him with an enormous speed and then everything went black._

 

Raphael woke up with a jolt, he was heavily breathing and sweat was dripping down his forehead.  
He felt a body move next to him and the next moment a gentle touch on his sweaty back.  
"Same one?", Simon asked softly.  
"Yeah.", Raphael breathed and dropped his head on his hands.  
Lately these nightmares came more frequently. They're always the same. A truck racing towards him and that young man with those shining eyes.

  
That man he can't remember about.

Since his accident 10 years ago Raphael lost his whole memory of what had happened before the car crash.  
The doctor told him that it had been a miracle that he survived such a disastrous crash. He should be lucky that it was his memory, he had lost and not his life, they said.  
A life he can't even remember about at all.  
Through his ID the police told him his name, his age and his address and with the PD's research they found out that he had been a foster kid since he was 4, since his whole family had been killed in a fire. He ran away from the foster care at the age of 15 and that was it.  
He had no phone on him. The car he drove was a rental car and apparently he moved to a new place according to his landlord.  
And yes, just two small boxes inhabited his small apartment, but nothing in the boxes could show him anything crucial about his life before the accident. No photo album, diary or any sort of belonging, which could have prompted his memory.  
The only thing that seemed precious was a tusk pendant necklace, neatly wrapped up in a soft white handkerchief, tugged in, in a tiny box he had in his jacket during the crash.  
Tempted and alone in his apartment, he had put it on and felt an unexplainable feeling of nostalgia.

 

"Raphael, babe." Simon gently caresses his boyfriend's back, pulling him back to present. "How about I tell you a good night story about the whole plot of the new Star Wars movie. We both know how much you love it, that you want to fall asleep immediately so you can dream about it.",Simon joked.

Raphael smiled. He met Simon 3 years ago at a parking lot.  
He had a terrible migraine on that day and it didn't help that it was freaking hot, that the parking lot was full and that he still couldn't figure out how to get his memory back.  
Needles to say, he had a pretty bad day.  
He had just needed some pills for his head, so when he saw that someone pulled out their car, he was so eager to get that spot, that he accidentally hit the gas a little too hard so that he bumped right into the guy's car.  
Completely fed up with his life, he dropped his head on the steering wheel and took a deep breath to face the guy and apologize.  
What he hadn't seen coming, was that the cute glasses wearing guy with the messy light brown hair and goofy grin would ask him out. Stammering adorably.  
And yes, he fell terribly in love with that nerd and he won't let go.

Raphael laid back, pulling Simon with him in that process.  
Today he's 28. 13 years passed since he left foster care. 10 since the accident.  
He nestled his face in his boyfriend's head and left a kiss there as the other man pulled the covers back over them.  
"I love you mi cielo." he whispered.

Raphael closed his eyes but his mind won't wander away from the young man who gave him the same necklace he wears everyday since he had lost his memory.

 

*****

 

"Who's that?",Raphael asked from his place at the bar.

This is the fourth time he had been here. The small coffee shop, Simon's currently working at.  
Raphael was in general a very observing guy, so he couldn't help but notice this one particular person who stood out every time he visits his boyfriend.

Simon looked up. He was standing behind the counter and was serving ordering costumers.

"Who?" he asked and followed his boyfriend's gaze to a tall, handsome but ragged-looking guy.

  
Even though the man couldn't be older than 30, he already had a few strands of grey in his thick, messy hair. He had a beard, which was as dark as his hair should had been, thick and long enough to hide the beginning of the deep scar that adorned his skin along the left side of his throat. But the most outstanding feature of him, were his eyes.  
A beautiful color hiding behind a blank and sad curtain of dullness.

"Oh...That's Alec. Izzy's brother.", Simon explained.  
"Quiet guy. He keeps mostly to himself but comes here every day and always orders the same thing."  
Simon tapped on his fingers and counted, "Black coffee, hot chocolate and a Chai Latte with a ridiculous amount of sugar.  
But he only drinks his coffee, starts scribbling in his sketchbook and stays at least four hours before he leaves. And every day's the same."

  
Swiping the counter clean after the last customer, he looked at his boyfriend. "He's kinda weird if you ask me." he said.  
At that Raphael let out a snort of laughter and grinned "You're the one to talk.", he laughed.  
Simon grinned back. Happy to be electing such a reaction out of his rather reserved boyfriend.

 

Shifting his gaze from his lover, Raphael watched a beautiful woman with long, dark hair retreat from the kitchen, located behind two large doors.  
Even though she had a full tablet balanced on one hand, her steps were graceful and confident.

 

Isabelle Lightwood.  
She is the owner of the neat coffeshop/bar (at night), Simon's working at. Simon had told him not much about his boss. He knows that Izzy is a loving person but can be bad ass and fierce at the same time. She has three brothers. And her parents are as snobby as they are rich. Which is very. Not to step in the same foot steps as her parents Isabelle decided to succeed on her own. Now she has this quite successful establishment, which she also calls her 'baby'.

She walks up to the scruffy guy with his order and placed it in front of him. She kissed his cheek and started talking to him.

Alec nodded his head like an obediant child but didn't look up from his drawing.  
With a small rub on her brother's back and a kiss on his forehead, Izzy walked back towards the bar and noticed Raphael staring at her.

"Hey.", she smiled. "You are Simon's boyfriend right?"  
"Oh, yes. Yes, hi, I'm Raphael." he was rambling.  
Meeting new people does not belong to his strengths.  
Now, standing right in front of him, Raphael could see the resemblance she has to her brother.  
"I've seen you here around a couple of  times but it was always too busy in here to actually talk to you.", she continued.  
"It's nice to finally meet you.", Izzy smiled and held out her hand.  
Raphael genuinely smiled back and shook it.

*****

He's about to leave as his eyes wandered back to Alec, who's currently drawing something on two cup sleeves at his table.  
He watched as he put his pen down. Probably done with his sketches.  
The first cup sleeve had a cat on it and was put through the cup of Chai Latte. The second one had a drawing of a cute pirate ship on it. Alec slipped it through the cup of cocoa.  
And then he leaned back and stared ahead of him. After a few minutes, he stretched his hand out, resting it beside the Chai Latte, smiling.  
A nice genuine smile.  
The first time Raphael saw him do that.

 

 

*****

 

Something about Alec, woke an interest in Raphael. (Not that kind of interest. He is very much in love in Simon and nothing and nobody can change that. Thank you very much!)  
Still, he doesn't know why, something in him prompts him to keep an eye on Alec.

And it seems that fate didn't plan to keep Raphael waiting.

The next day, when Raphael entered the coffee shop, he was starring at his phone, texting his boyfriend, that he got off work earlier.  
Without looking up, he headed straight to the counter, which caused him also to bump straight into something or rather someone.

Alec.

He looked the same. Eyes still blank and hair askew. His drinks fell out of his hand, painting his clothes and floor with splashes of hot beverage.  
Raphael immediately grabbed the other man's arm to keep him steady.  
"Hey you alright, man? I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.", he apologized.  
But Alec doesn't seem to notice him at all. He just bent down and picked up the various cups, that fell to the floor trough the impact, while quietly mumbling to himself.

Raphael only caught words like,  
'Daddy spilled our drinks. Daddy's clumsy. Clumsy. Clumsy Alexander. Clumsy Alexander, yes.'

 

Raphael furrowed his brow but followed the man to the counter.  
He tried to get Alec's attention once more. Look, sir. I will get you your order one mor.."  
But before he could finish his offer, he sees something that left him speechless.  
There on the counter. On a sketchbook. There was the face he sees almost every night in his dreams. The same easy smile, the same almond shape eyes and spiked dark hair. But the most shocking thing was the necklace drawn around the man's neck that was the same he wears beneath his shirt currently.  
The exact same necklace, with the same exact beaded chain, even the small crack at the end of the tusk was visible.

 

"How..?", he started and tried to get a closer look at the drawing.

But at the same moment a guy with blond hair and two different colored eyes picked up the sketchbook and threw an irritated look in Raphael's way. He moved towards Alec and put the sketchbook in front of him. With a claps on Alec's back, the blond guy flopped down on the seat next to him.

'This can't be the same guy. Right?', Raphael thought and looked back at Alec, who is bopping his head to a silent rhythm as he continued with his drawings.  
He can't believe it. But that was the man. That was his necklace.  
That means Alec may be the one who can help him. Maybe he knows who the man with the yellow eyes is, mayb-.

"Uhm, Rapha you know how much I love you, right? But I think it's time to get you back to earth before you drool all over the counter." , Simon pointed out and stared at him half confused and half amused.  
"What got you even so fascinated ? " he asked.

"I think, I may getting some answers, mi cielo." Raphael answered, a grin forming on his face.

 

*****

 

Over the days Raphael caught small snippets of Alec's sketches.  
When Raphael entered the coffee shop, purposely walking by Alec's table to throw a quick glance at his drawings or starring subtly at the open pages when Alec had forgotten his sketchbook at the counter, before shuffling back and taking it back to his table, muttering words under his breath.

Sometimes the man in the drawings would just stare ahead of him. Other times it was the guy's hand, palm open with the token in it, it's chain dangling out of he's grasp like waterfall.  
Raphael noticed his dreams getting more and more intense, which drove him to the decision, to find out who Alec is. Why it was like Alec had followed him into his dreams and put it on paper.

So every time Raphael visits his boyfriend at work, Alec is there.  
But just like Simon told him, Alec's day routine is always the same. Except that sometimes the same blond guy, Jace apparently, Alec's and Isabelle's adoptive brother, Simon explained to him, accompanies him during the day.  
He would sit next to Alec, but never across from him. They would do small talk, in which Jace does most of the talking, or just sit in silence while alec scribbled in his sketchbook and jace sipped on his latte, across from them the two other drinks in the neat scribbled on cup holders, that no one would touch till the end.

But on one particular sunny day, Raphael noticed the light that shone through the window, reflected on a silver band hugging Alec's left ring finger.  
Raphaels eyes widened., 'Oh, he's married.' he thought and tried to remember if he had seen anybody else interact with Alec except his siblings. But there's no one.

Then in time, Raphael found out more and more about Alec.

He wears almost every day the same dark, baggy clothes, does always the same drawings on the cup holders and lets nobody sit across from him.  
He's married (Raphael assumed, by the way Alec is playing or caressing his ring gently for time to time) and he doesn't speak much.  
Well with other people.  
But Raphael had caught him on more than one occasion mumbling to himself.  
Or starring in front of him and letting out an unexpected joyful laugh, a giggle or smile.  
Like he wasn't alone.

 

Of course he feels kind of bad stalking Alec like that. But he never felt closer to finding out about his past, than before. 'This guy can help me.' , Raphael was determined.

But still, he tried to be as subtle as possible.

 

 

But one time that wasn't the case.

He sat at the bar as someone occupied the stool next to him.  
Jace.  
Without looking at Raphael and with his gaze pointed ahead of him, the blonde man started to speak in a dangerous calm voice.

"If you know what is best for you, I wouldn't even think about making a move."

'Shit'

"You think I haven't notice you staring at him across the room all the time? Does Simon know you creeping on his boss' brother? " , he asked, arching one eyebrow in mock question.

And then Jace stood back up, not before whispering a threat into Raphaels ear.

"I won't let anyone hurt Alec. So back off! "

With that he went back to his brother, who is currently bopping his head at its usual rhythm, wearing a black glittery beany on his dark mess of hair.

 

*****

 

'Today', Raphael thought, "Today."

Today Jace was with Alec.  
The blond had one hand on his brother's shoulder as he talked to him.  
"I'll be right back, buddy.", Raphael heard him say.

"One cocoa and..and a Chai Latte with thre-"

"With three and a half spoon sugar. I know, I know." Jace gently cut off Alec's rambling.

With a clap on his brother's shoulder and a smile, he vanished through the back door.  
After five minutes Jace returned, placed Alec's order on the table and watched silently as his brother slipped the drafted cup sleeves through the cups.  
He was about to take his usual place beside Alec, when his phone began to ring. Raphael watched as he left the coffee shop with a sigh to get his call.

'This is my chance.', Raphael thought and made his way towards Alec, who had already opened up his sketchbook.

 

"Hi, do you mind?" Raphael spoke up, silently asking for a OK to join Alec at his table.

Alec looked up, after a moment he frowned, but gestured Raphael to sit on the chair next to him instead on one of the two in front of him. As expected.

"I'm Raphael", his voice was calm and soothing.

"Alec." he said very quietly and continued to draw in his sketchbook.

"Short for Alexander?" Raphael asked, remembing Alec had rambled it to himself before.

Suddenly Alec shuddered and his pen which was currently drawing a straight line ripped through the paper.

"Alec", he repeated his voice shaking slightly.

'Oookay, this would be harder than I thought' Raphael winced in his head.

"Your drawings are very nice." he tried.

But Alec just nodded his head rapidly.

"So I see you're married. That's nice." Another lame approach, to get a reaction out of Alec.

But again nothing. Except that Alec started to play with his wedding ring. Caressing it gently, with his thumb.

He peeked at Alec's sketch. It was almost done. A drawing of Jace holding a small boy on his shoulders.

Raphael realized at that moment more than ever that he's not good with people. Really not good.  
But he is getting desperate to get some answers.

"Do you have kids? I guess your children love your drawings too." , he said, almost desperately.

Raphael heard Alec's breathing quicken and become harsher.  
He started shaking his head.  
Suddenly he stood up, screaming and pulling on his hair.  
'Shit, this wasn't the reaction I hoped for', Raphael thought and stood up as well, as he tried to calm Alec down.  
But it only made things worse.

With both arms the taller man threw everything off the table, hot beverage spilling everywhere.  
Raphael noticed other customers backing away, frightened and confused.

And then Izzy was there. Calming her brother down.

"Sshh Alec, everything's fine. Easy.", she said in a gentle tone," It's me Izzy.  Im here. Okay, everything's fine big brother."

Heavily breathing, he rushed to the mess on the floor, where the cup sleeves with the cat and the pirate ship drawing lay. He picked them up with care. As if he's carrying something that is most precious in his arms.  
"Sorry...sorry", Alec whispered and caresses the drawing lines of the ship.  
"Maxy, Daddy's here. Im sorry. Daddys here Max."  
Izzy ushered him out through the back door. Raphael knows there gonna go upstairs to Izzy's apartment over the shop.

He turned around, only to stare into Jace's furious eyes across from him.

The blond pointed at him with his finger.

"You. We need to talk", he ordered and disappeared through the doors, which led to the kitchen.

Sighing, Raphael followed Jace. Holding one hand up to Simon to illustrate him to stay and not follow them.

'This wasn't planed', he thought. He would never have thought Alec would react that way.

"Listen, I never meant to-"  
But Jace cut him off before he could finish his apology.  
"What did you say to him?", he hissed. "Didn't I tell you to stay away from him?"

Raphael was silent so he continued.

"He'd rarely had an episode by now and after everything that had happened."

"What? Episodes? After 'what' happened?", Raphael was confused.

"My brother..he's special." Jace said, "He has gone through shit you can't even imagine. And a brat like you should stay awa-""

"You kidding me?", Raphael couldn't hold back anymore, he feels his own anger building up.  
"You think your brother is the only one who had gone through a rough phase?   
What happend? Did mommy and daddy cut off the money pipe or why does he look like a homeless guy all th-"

"He lost his husband and his son!" Jace shouted.  
His voice rough with emotions.

*****

  
_He woke up and all he sees is white. White Light, white walls, white beds._

_Everything hurts. A wide bandage was wrapped around his throat._

_He tried to turn his head. Izzy sat next to the bed he was lying on. She was talking to a doctor. Her eyes were red as if she had been crying._  
_"What happend ?", he asked weakly, but still achieved to make Izzy jump._  
_" Alec." ,she sighed._

 _"Mr Lightwood-Bane. You were in an accident." the doctor,Izzy was talking to before, explained to him._  
_Suddenly Alec had a flashback._  
_The trip back home from the zoo, the intersection, the small truck appearing from nowhere, Magnus reaching back where Max sat and then the loud crash."_

 _Alec's breath started to quicken._  
_"I need to check on my husband and my son.", he said. " I need to see if they're alright."_  
_Silence_  
_"Mr.Lightwood-Bane.", the doctor said, his voice thick with sadness and fatigue._  
_"I am so sorry. We tried everything."_  
_The doctor sighed._  
_"But it was too late."_

_" Too late?" Alec breathed, confused. "No. No you're wrong."_

_"I'm so sorry for your loss."_

_Shaking his head Alec tried to sit up, but Izzy was faster and pushed him back down gently. Her hands were shaking. But maybe it was his own body._

_"N-no you dont understand me." Alec tried again. "Max, my Max, he must be scared right now, being alone without his dad and his Papa.  I..I need to see them, to make sure they're alright."_

_"Mr.Lightw-"_

_"Te- tell him Izzy." Alec cut him off, turning his head to his sister. "Tell him, that...that Magnus will worry when he doesn't know if I'm alright or not."_

_Izzy was crying now. "Alec." ,she breathed, shaking her head and biting down on her lips to prevent more sobs from coming out._

  
_"No, no, no.", he stuttered. "Wake up, wake up, wake up.", he told himself, shaking his head furiously and slamming it back hard against his pillow._  
_" Alec, stop, please.", Izzy cried, caressing his face with her hands. She knew that her brother is having a panic attack._

 _"MAGNUS. MAGNUS. MAAAX.", Alec screamed for his loved ones._  
_He tried to get out of the bed, but nurses rushed in and started restraining him._  
_And the last thing he remembered, was a needle being injected in his arm and Izzy's tear-streaked face as she tried to calm him down._

***** 

"He lost his husband and his son!" Jace shouted.  
His voice rough with emotions.

Raphael's mouth snapped shut. He was taken aback and his eyes widen in sudden shock.

But Jace continued, rage shining in his own eyes.

"At the same day. From one second to the other, his whole family was ripped away from him through a car accident."

"He drove. He survived." Jace stated and stepped closer. "His husband and his 4 year old son were killed instantly. "

 

"And if that isn't the worst thing already he has to live on, thinking everything's his fault.  
Having the same nightmare Every. Single. Time. he closes his eyes." ,Jace told him slowly and clear, his anger now mixed with sadness, as his voice grew quieter.  
"He says it is his punishment. A little reminder for killing his own family."

Jace ran a hand through his blond hair, hands shaking slightly.

"I watched my brother become a mess, going insane.  
Caught him smiling at  blank spaces as if he's smiling at his dead family.  
Everyone thinks he's crazy. "  
Jace's voice was just a whisper now. His eyes were shiny with unshed tears.  
"But he's broken," he said, voice raspy.  
"All he felt was pain. Until it broke him"."  
For a moment nobody said anything, until Jace quickly wiped at his eyes and cleared his throat.  
He slowly stepped even closer to Raphael, backing him against the wall and took hold of his shirt.  
"I will say it just one more time. Stay away from my broth-"  
Jace stopped abruptly.  
His eyes were fixed on Raphaels necklace, dangling around his neck. Only now visible, as it slipped out of it's secure place under Raphaels clothes, due the force Jace had pulled at him.

The blond man looked back up at Raphael.  
"What's your name ?", he asked.  
"Raphael"  
He shook the shorter man, rough and shouted, " Your full name ! "  
"Raphael Santiago. Raphael Santiago." He answered, breathless.  
For a moment Jace just stared at him. "You're him." , he said with a low voice and let go of Raphael.  
"He knew you will come one day. But you're too late. He's dead."

*****

Izzy stroked her brother's hair as Alec slept soundlessly while holding his son's favorite stuff monkey to his chest.  
After his outburst Alec had cried himself to sleep in Izzy's arms. But Izzy didn't want to leave him yet, so she carefully untangled herself from her brother and pulled up a chair next to the bed.

"Magnus?" Alec's muffled voice cut through the silence.  
Izzy didn't answer. She knew Alec's still sleeping. This happend before. But that didn't mean she can stop her tears from escaping.  
"Magnus, love? When will you come and take me ? I want to see you and Maxy."  
Alec stopped talking and Izzy thought, Alec's mind went unconscious again, but then her brother's whispered words proofed her wrong.  
"Dont you want me there with you ?" ,he asked quietly and went silent.  
The only sound in the room were Alec's tired breathing and Izzy's quite sobs.

 

*****

 

 

 _"Alec?", Jace called through the dark apartment._  
_Two months had passed after the accident._  
_And Jace doesn't know if it's still a good idea to let Alec live all by himself._

 _Jace walked through the apartment, but there's still no sign of his brother._  
_"Alec?" he tried again as he opened Alec's and Magnus' bedroom, at the exact moment Alec swallowed a handful of pills in one go._  
_"NOO." Jace shouted and ran towards his brother. He dropped to the floor in front of him. Jace moved Alec into the right position and pushed two fingers into Alec's throat carefully._  
_Even though Alec protested and tried to push Jace away, he was to weak._  
_And Alec threw up, all the pills he just swallowed._  
_Jace rubbed his back as he coughed, his head bowed. Both trying to catch their breath. Alec from vomiting his gut out and Jace from preventing his brother from taking his own life ._  
_Jace was the first one to speak._  
_"Alec don't do this. Please don't do this." he pleaded._

_With Alec's gaze still fixed on the ground, he said in a rough voice, "I can't anymore, Jace. I don't want to."_

_But the blonde just shook his head._  
_" I can't let you do this to yourself. Magnus wouldn't want that." Jace said. "He wouldn't want you to take your own life. "_

 _And Alec screamed, tears running down his face._  
_He screamed for the love he'd lost. For the child he'd lost. For the future and all the happiness, that had been ripped away from him. Until his voice was raw and he couldn't scream anymore._

 _Until Jace turned him around and held him in his arms, as he cried softly on his shoulder._  
_"My husband. My son, he was just a baby. My beautiful baby. Taken away from me.", Alec sobbed, clutching at his brother._  
_"It hurts so much. Please, just let me go, let me go."_

 _And so, there they were. Arms around each other. Slumped on the floor, next to the pills, which could have end a life, in the bedroom, Alec had shared with his late husband._  
_Until Alec fell asleep on his brother lap. Only then, Jace allowed his own tears to fall. 'You said, you would never let him go, Magnus.'_

 

*****

  
"Take off your shoes.",Jace said as their entered the apartment. It looked really cozy. Neat, warm and no sharp objects anywhere.  
'As said, very observing guy.'

"Beer?" Jace asked  
"Uh, yeah thanks", Raphael replied  
Jace nodded curtly and left the room.  
Alone, Raphael sat down on the couch, where it was inhabited by a few small stuffed animals .  
Raphael put his head in his hands. The man he had seen in his dreams, was Alec's husband. His husband who died a year ago. So the only person, he wanted to meet so desperately is dead. The only person who had known him before his accident. But apparently Jace knew about him as well. Raphael's head was spinning.  
He looked up as he heard Jace coming back with two bottles of beer. He sat next to him and handed Raphael his beer.

"Sooo...", Jace didn't really know how to begin. " You can't remember anything about the first 18 years of your life?  
Raphael shook his head, "Nothing.", he said.  
Silence.

Raphael looked around the apartment.  
"You live here with your sister ?", he asked.  
Jace nodded, "Yes. And Alec.  
A couple months ago I had my own place but I moved here to take care of Alec. We thought it would be the best, that he stayed with us after Magnus' and Max' death.

Raphael ear pricked up at that name.

"Magnus", Raphael whispered. His voice not louder than a breath.

"Yes. Magnus.", Jace explained. "That was his name.  
Magnus Bane."

A rush of memories ran through Raphael, so strong that he had to hold on to the couch with one hand.  
A boy with the same eyes, like Alec's husband, sitting on a bed crossed leg as he smiled at him.  
The dark sky full of bright stars as he lay next to the boy on the wet gras.  
Him laughing so hard because of what the boy had said, that he had to hold his stomach. Snuggling close to the boy as he cried himself to sleep as the other boy held him in his arms.

"Hey, you okay, man ? ", Jace asked.  
Breathing hard Raphael turned his face to the blond man.  
"Wha-, ho- how do you know about me?", he asked him.

"Magnus told me.", he replied, taking a sip from his beer.

"And Alec? " he asked.

Jace was shaking his head. "No. He doesn't know."

  
Seeing the confused look on his face, Jace sighed and put his beer down. He was intertwined his hands together and looked straight into Raphael's eyes.

  
"Short after Magnus proposed to Alec, I got into a huge fight with my brother.  
I think, it was the biggest fight we ever had.  
He sighed, "Needles to say, I was jealous."  
"I always had people's attention on me. 'The golden boy', they called me.  
But I didn't care about that. The only thing I cared about was, what my best friend thought of me. I craved the love and attention he gave me. I even knew he had a little crush on me." Jace chuckled.  
"He was the most important person for me. So I think, you can imagine how I felt when Magnus entered Alec's life.  
I wasn't his most important person anymore. Magnus was.  
I know I should have been happy for my best friend, with everything he'd gone through. Hiding his sexually and with our parents looking at him differently, the moment they found out he was gay and everything. But I was still jealous and frustrated."  
Jace swallowed and continued, "So when he told me that he was now engaged to Magnus, looking so happy, I just lost it.  
I was so scared, that he won't care about me anymore, that we would never be the same anymore, that our friendship would change forever."  
Jace sighed and closed his eyes, as if the thought of it hurts him.  
"I said terrible things to him, man. About how he doesn't give a fuck about me or our friendship and how he would run to the next best guy, because he couldn't have me and so on.  
After that I just ran out, leaving him alone and hurt in my apartment."

He shifted his gaze from Raphael and fixed his eyes on a picture hanging on the wall across from them.  
It was taken on the night of Jace's 25th Birthday.  
They were all completely drunk, except Alec, who offered to be the designated driver (and parent).  
Magnus and him had there arms slung around each other's shoulders and were grinning at the camera with red faces and sweaty hair. Three quarter of Magnus' hair was covered by his glittery beanie on his head.  
A sad smile appeared on Jace's face.

He could still remember, how Magnus found him at the playground, Alec and him had spent most of their childhood at. How Magnus had sat next to him on the swing set, playing with the gras with one of his designer shoes.

 

_"Alexander told me about your fight.", Magnus said softly._

_"Of course.", Jace huffed. "Before it was me, he had told everything. Seems like I am not that important to him anymore._  
_Magnus sighed, " Jac-"_  
_But Jace cut him off, "Why did you have to come in our life? You think it's okay to just..just move here and take Alec from me?"_

 _"Don't you think Alec has his own mind and can decide on his own with whom he wants to spend time with ?" Magnus said, arching one eyebrow at him._  
_"Just because he loves me now too, doesn't mean he loves you less than before."_

 _Jace sprang up._  
_"You just don't get it, Magnus.", he shouted. "Since the day I was born, I was a foster child. My birth mother didn't want me. Only with six, I've found out what having a family feels like. What it feels like to have a brother, a best friend._  
_I love Izzy and Max. And even with their arrogant way, I do love Maryse and Robert as well._  
_But Alec. No one gets me as much as him. Alec and I, we had something special. "_

 _"You still have.", Magnus reassured him_  
_" I love Alec and I'm sorry if you don't like it, but I will never let him go, that's for sure."_  
_Jace looked away._  
_"But I can see how much you mean to him and I would never want to stand in the way of your friendship." Magnus said, "But you should neither. He would never love you less than before. Don't let your worry drive him away from you."_

 _Jace took a deep breath and sighed in frustration._  
_"I don't think, he wants to see me right now._  
_Magnus sighed as well._  
_"No he doesn't. He's hurt right now."_  
_Jace groaned, "I should just leave. Let him go. At the end, I'll just hurt him anyway."_

 _"Don't." Magnus sighed, "Sit down, Blondie. I want to tell you a story."_  
_Magnus gestured to the swing next to him and Jace sat down reluctantly._

 _There was a moment of silence before Magnus spoke up._  
_"You're not the only one, who grew up at a foster care." Magnus murmured._  
_"You?" Jace asked quietly._  
_Magnus nodded._  
_Jace's eyes widened, not because of the piece of information. But because of the fact that Magnus is about to tell him a story about his past._  
_Alec had sometimes complained to him that his boyfriend never talks about his past. It is like his life began, when he turned 18. Everything before that, was a taboo. It almost cost the couple their relationship. But after a lot of sleepless nights, tears, heartfelt conversations and understanding from both sides, they fixed their problem._  
_Alec accepted it and Magnus tried to be more open as long as it wasn't about his childhood or early youth._

_"But unlike you, I lived there my whole life, until I was old enough to make it on my own." Magnus pulled him back to present._

_"I've never told anybody that. Not even Alec."_  
_He sighed and turned to Jace._  
_"I had this one friend. Raphael was his name. Raphael Santiago. He's whole family died in a fire, so he grew up in foster care, just like we did._  
_He was my best friend. Just like you and Alec._  
_We had gone trough rough days together, through abusive care takers,beatings, sickness, we always had each other's back."_  
_"He paused, but then continued with a sigh._  
_"On one day something happened._  
_I was 16 and he just turned 15._  
_There was this one particular care taker, who had shown a liking for pretty boys and I began to notice his lingering gazes on Raphael._  
_So on one day, I told him that I had a night shift at the 24h diner and wouldn't be back till the next morning. That night I followed him sneaking in into Raphael's and my room we shared together._  
_I followed him and watched him, moving towards Raphael and pressing a cloth to his nose as Raphael struggled and tried to push the care taker away._

 _I crept behind him and hit him upside down the head with a glass bottle. Unfortunately he didn't crumble to the floor like I was expecting, but it startled him enough for Raphael to tear himself away from him._  
_I told Raphael to run as the caretaker grabbed at me. Even though he tried to help me I pushed him away, and shouted at him to get away and run._  
_So he did."_

_"And that man...?", Jace asked. His heart was racing._

_"Yeah. He got me.", Magnus whispered, looking down at his shoes._  
_But then he shook his head and shrugged, as if he didn't just told his fiancé's brother he got raped by one of his caretaker in the past._  
_Magnus turned towards Jace and grinned._  
_But Rapha got him better.", he said._  
_"3 weeks Raphael was gone, but on one night he returned. He woke me up and signaled for me to be quite. I saw that he had packed all my stuff in one rucksack and was handing me my jacket._  
_"We're leaving.", was the only thing he said, before pulling me out of the bed._  
_I asked him, what we're gonna do with that caretaker. And he said, in the coldest voice a 15 year old shouldn't even possess._  
_'Nothing. He's dead. I put poison in his fucking drink.'_

_That night we left and never came back."_

_" What happened with him.? Your friend."_  
_Jace asked slowly._

 _Magnus smile was sad._  
_"The night we left, he broke down and told me he would never forgive himself for leaving me._  
_The next day he told me we should go separate ways. Until he figured everything out. He didn't want me to get hurt, by sticking at his side. I tried everything to reassure him but at the end his stubbornness won and I let him go."_

_"You let him go? Just like that." Jace asked confused._

_"Yes.", Magnus said. "I respected his wishes. I gave him the only thing that was really mine. He caresses his neck for a second, before dropping his hand on his lap._  
_"A necklace, with a nice wooden tusk pendant._  
_And then we both took our own path."_

_" Have you ever seen him again ? " Jace asked softly._

_"No." Magnus said, he wasn't crying but Jace could clearly see the sadness in his eyes._  
_" I miss him. I would love to have him back in my life. But I promised him not to look for him. So I will wait. I know that one day he will come."_

 _Jace's brows furrowed._  
_"Magnus.", he asked. "Why are you telling me this? "_  
_Magnus sighed. "You and I, we haven't had a family. Raphael was the only family I had. Now it's Alec and maybe soon, you as well, blondie.", he chuckled as he played with his engagement ring around his finger._  
_"You really hurt Alec today. And I know that he had been neglecting you, since he got together with me. But I don't want you to end up like Raphael and me."_  
_Magnus played with the gras again. " I don't even know, if he's still alive.", he muttered._  
_He stared into Jace's eyes as if he would stare into his soul. " All I want to say, is that you have something special there, and you shouldn't ruin it, by being so stubborn," he smirked at Jace , " or jealous. I could never replace you, don't forget that, no one could." He gave Jace one last reassuring smile and stood up._  
_But he didn't get far. Jace hand shot up and grabbed his wrist. " Thank you.", he muttered. " Not just for telling me how important I am for Alec, but also for telling me your story. I hope your friend will come back one day."_  
_"Me too." Magnus said softly. "Now come on, golden boy," he wrestled his wrist out of Jace's grip and hurled him up by his jacket. " You have to make something right. I don't want to fall asleep next to a grumpy cat Alexander.", he laughed._

 

Raphael tried to control his breathing. More and more memories came and floated his head.  
'God. This is overwhelming.' he thought as he held a hand to his temple.  
He could see small snippets of his life before.  
He remembered a man pressing a cloth on his mouth, that he had to struggle for his breath, how he ran and knocked on the other caretakers' rooms, to get help for Magnus, but no one opened. How he did research and got a vial of poison at the black market to murder the person, who hurt his friend.

"God, Magnus.", Raphael breathed.  
"He saved me, I remember."

 

*****

 

Raphael looked at the screen.  
There was Alec. But he looked so... put together and clean.  His face was shaven, his hair shorter, his eyes brighter and he was wearing a nice button up shirt as he smiled widely at something behind the camera.  
He just looked so genuinely happy.

And then, there he was.  
Raphael's eyes widen as he got closer to the screen.

The boy in his dreams. In his past.

'Magnus'

"Old friend", he whispered.

He looks the same as 13 years ago.  
Unlike in his memories , Magnus had a light stubble of hair on his chin, which makes him look older but just as handsome as before. Carrying the same relaxed and confident posture, Raphael had known of him.  
Alec smile widened even more, as Magnus smirked and held out a hand, silently asking for a dance. His husband rolled his eyes fondly at him and slung his arms around Magnus' shoulder, while Magnus is holding Alec's waist tenderly.

'They look good together. And happy.' he thought.

A small boy appeared on the screen. Running towards the couple and hugging Alec's legs.  
'This must be Max.'  
His dad happily bent down and lifted him up, while Magnus made funny faces at his son and tried to fix his unruly curls, that were bouncing on his small head.

"That was on Max's 4th birthday party.",a voice said softly.

Raphael jumped a little out of surprise and went to shut off the tv. Sorry I didnt mean to. Jace told me I...I could.." ,he stammered.

But izzy just shook her head.  
"Don't, it's fine." She wrapped her arms around herself and sat on the couch. She looked back up at the screen, where the couple continued to dance, now with their little boy carried between them.  
A sad smile appeard on her beautiful face.

"Max was so happy. His dads finally got him the pirate costume, he had wished for so badly." ,she paused.  
"One week after that was the accident.  
And everything changed."  
A silent tear ran down her cheek.  
"Sometimes it feels like I haven't just lost my brother in law and my nephew on that day, but also Alec. His heart died with them."  
Raphael listened as her voice turned quieter.  
"He tried to take his life twice, you know. At both times Jace found him just in time.  
He just wasn't able to bear it anymore. Until on one day, Jace and I dragged him to Therapy. The suicide attempts stopped. He found another way to cope with his family's death."  
"Denial", Raphael finished for her.  
Izzy nodded.  
"He created this sacred place in his mind. A world where Magnus and Max still live. A life before the accident." she explained.

There was silence between them, both mourning the memory of the past.  
Izzy, her family and the person her brother had been.  
And Raphael, the memories of a friend. A friend he had forgotten about.

 

"What's up with his order."?, he asked, trying to ease the situation.

"Order ? Oh you mean his coffee order." Izzy let out a small laugh.  
"As Magnus and Max were still alive, Alec had always messed up their coffee order because he simply couldn't remember it. But after their death, he always made sure he got it right.  
It even lead to an outburst once, when Jace forgot to put extra sugar in Magnus Chai Latte.  
It is kind of a routine for him, to keep his episodes at bay.

They both turned their head, as they heard a key in the lock and the door opened.  
"Take off your shoes, darling. Alexander, take off your shoes, Alexander.", they heard Alec mutter to himself in the doorway.  
Raphael turned to Izzy. "Another routine?", he asked.  
She nodded. "Magnus couldn't stand people walking around his home with their dirty shoes. He'd even bought us all house shoes to prevent that."

Alec entered the living room, but he doesn't seem to notice Raphael at all. Without a word, he went straight to his sister and bend down to kiss her on her cheek.  
"Magnus said Hi", he whispered,eyes unfocused.  
Izzy put her hand on Alec's cheek. She bit her lip and nodded her head.  
Then he stood back up, shuffled to his room, sketchbook securely tugged under his arm as he closed his door behind him.

Raphael's gaze lingered on the closed door.  
"How is he doing ?", he asked.  
"I think it's getting worse. The more he shifts away from the real world, the more he'll get lost in his mind.  
Jace and I worry that his episodes and outburst will become more intense. He's already less responsive than before.", she sighed.

Raphael went to Isabelle and knelt in front of her and took hold of one of her hands. "I'll do anything to help.", he said.

He tells her his story.

 

*****

  
The past weeks, he spent more time with the Lightwoods. Sometimes Simon would accompany him on his days off. Raphael would ask about Magnus, about his wedding with Alec, about Max. About anything he had missed out on his old friend's life.  
And Jace and Izzy would tell him.  
Without him recognizing, a friendship between them was born.

  
For an unexplainable reason Jace and Izzy trust him with Alec. But every time they tried to introduce Raphael to him, telling him, Raphael was his husband's old friend, Alec would shut down completely or it would trigger an episode.  
Sometimes he would pass Alec's bedroom, after one of his visits, and hear quiet sobs or muffled apologies coming out of Alec's mouth.

  
Together they watched, Alec's condition worsen. Every passing day, his body got thinner, his hair grayer and his drawings scarcer. Jace's and Izzy's worries became reality. Their brother's episodes became more intense and he himself more withdrawn than before.  
Even Simon tried to get Alec to try out some "fun" outdoors activities with him, but his lame attempts were dismissed by an unaware Alec, while Jace slapped himself on his forehead at Simons idea.

But on one night, Jace, Izzy, Simon and him were sitting in the living room, just lounging and spending time together, when his feet dragged him in front of Alec's room. Then he knew what to do.

Quietly he opened Alec's door and walked in.  
As he stood in the middle of the room, he took in his surrounding.  
Alec laid on the bed asleep, while his arms were tightly slung around a stuff monkey. Probably, Max's.  
Raphael noticed there were several other stuffed animals neatly placed at the end of the bed and Magnus' glittery beanie on the nightstand, next to a picture of Alec with his family. In the picture, Max had each one of his arms slung around his parent's shoulders. His grin was wide, a tooth was missing.

Raphael closed his eyes. He doesn't want to imagine Alec laying on his bed after his husband's and son's death, clutching at that picture like a lifeline.

He opened his eyes and slowly made his way over to Alec and sat at the edge of the bed.

Raphael really hoped he's doing the right thing.  
He carefully took Alec's hand in his and covered it with his other hand, just like how Magnus had done it in his dreams.

Raphael took a deep breath and Alec stirred.

"Izzy? Izzy is that you ?" he asked quietly. His voice muffled by his pillow.

"No. It's me. Magnus.", Raphael said in a soothing voice.

Alec's breath hitched.

"Ma..Magnus, are you here to take me? " he sobs without looking up.  
"No. I am here to forgive you.", Raphael said softly.  
He knew there is nothing to forgive because it wasn't Alec's fault at all.  
But Alec's feeling of guilt is so deep, that the only option to reassure him is forgiveness.

Alec was crying now.  
"Ma - magnus I am so sorry. So so sorry. "

Raphael tried to ignore the burn in his eyes, to keep going without giving his act away.  
"It wasnt your fault Alexander. I dont blame you. And Max doesn't blame you. We love you. Nothing will ever change that."

Alec stuttered "But..but I should have protected you. My family. Instead I killed you. How could you two still love me? I'm a monster." ,he cried into his pillow.

Suddenly, Raphael felt an energy within him. As if something or someone is with him. And then he felt like he wasn't the one who was speaking, even though it was his mouth from where the words came out.  
That voice, low but calm and soothing.  
A voice he hasn't had heard for over 10 years.

"Alexander." ,Magnus' clear voice echoed through the room.  
"You're not a monster. You are a great father and a wonderful husband.  
No one could have known that our time together in this world would be so short.  
But it is not your fault, my love. It was an accident. You have to forgive yourself."

Alec's hold on Raphael's hand tightened.

"Magnus." Alec sighed. "Magnus, I miss you and Maxy. So so much.", he sobbed.

"We miss you too, love. And we'll wait for you. Always. We love you." Raphael felt his own hand move to lightly caress Alec's cheek.  
"Sleep my angel. We'll be there when you wake up."

And Alec slept. An easy smile on his face.

It was like Raphael saw the situation from an outsider perspective.  
And then there was a slight breeze of cold air surrounding him.

"Thank you old friend." , he heard Magnus' voice whispers into his ear.

Raphael watched as Alec's chest rose one last time before he goes still.

 

'Who said you can't die of heartbreak?'

 

*****

 

With his hands in his pockets, Raphael stood in front the three tombstone.  
He was the only one left outside.  
Jace and Izzy were dragged inside to say good bye to the guests, who attended the service, but he knew they would rather stay here and bid farewell to their big brother.

Dawn was slowly arriving and suddenly he could feel the same cold breeze he felt the day Alec joined his dead family.  
He watched as three figures slowly appeard and stood huddled together not far from Raphael himself.

Raphael watched them.   
There was Alec. He noticed, that his eyes didn't look blank anymore. They were shining with life.  
'Is that even possible ?' Raphael thought about the irony of it all.  
Alec had a small boy in his arm. Max.  
The little boy was grinning and touching his father's face. Alec smiled at his son and then looked up and towards Raphael. Magnus, standing beside his husband, followed his gaze.  
The couple was smiling at him, hands interwined. Max waved at him and Raphael held his own hand up and returned the greeting.  
Magnus' eyes shone as bright as the last time they've seen each other as he gave Raphael one last nod. Magnus' smile was saying more than thousand words, as he and his family slowly turned around and dissapeard into the blinding bright light, that was illuminating the place until it slowly faded away.

Slowly Raphael lowered his hand. "Good bye, old friend." he whispered.

For a moment he just stood in front of the three graves, beautifully decorated with several flowers.  
'Family Lightwood-Bane  
Love beyond death.'

He smiled as he felt two strong arms circling his middle from behind.

"Hey, he's back with his family,he's finally happy again. " Simon whispered in his ear.

Raphael didnt say anything but relaxed in his lover's arms, showing Simon that he heard what he had said.

"Come on it's getting dark. Let's go see Izzy and Jace before we leave." Simon suggested as he swayed them a little.

"Okay." Raphael smiled slightly, " Just go ahead. I'll be there in a minute." He said and gave Simon a soft kiss.

When he was alone once more, he knelt down and touched Magnus' name on the tombstone. After that he ran his fingers along the date of his birth and his death.  
A tear ran down his face.  
"I'm sorry that our time together was so short." He sniffled slightly. "I'm sorry I missed out on all the happy moments in your life."

He took off the necklace around his neck and put it between all the beautiful flowers, digging it slightly into the earth, and whispered, "This is yours. Thank you, old friend. Hail and Farewell.

 


End file.
